I have had a weekend off this weekend, and I was sorting out my desk on Saturday morning and came across an old journal from nearly four years ago … I cannot share it with you in full detail as a lot of it is personal …and probably pretty boring too, but some of the entries show where I was at, and how I was feeling…
These may help you relate to where I was then and how I got here.
Wednesday
Playgroup, Oh deep joy.
Friday
Looking forward to seeing the girls tonight… oh bliss, an oasis amidst all these nappies, and endless thomas the tank…
Saturday
Well the only good thing I can say about last night is it left me with a headache! excellent news will have to nurture it !
Wednesday
Bloody Playgroup … again! What is wrong with me? Why can’t I just be like these other Mooning Mummies and be satisfied with all this? Even if we had the money from H’s Job so we could afford me to do this … I would be so Friggin Bored!
Jacob filled his nappy I didn’t realise till all the other mums noses curled! Snotty cows!
Friday
They have been on the phone again… I hate them I have less than 16 weeks of trouble free motherhood and they want a decision NOW! I hate Personnel… I know they have a job to do and I am just a number… But I am so confused… I know we need the money, I know I should just find child care… But I am the best person to look after them… I do not like the way J has been brought up so far I need to get involved… F**k this is impossible…
Saturday
Why can’t a cuddle just be a bloody cuddle… I am not some sort of device I have feelings, I need caring for I want to be cherished not bounced like a bloody ball! WTF is wrong with me … I am turning into My Mum…
Sunday
Reuben ill today, I am so Glad I am home I know it is sunday, but just being here to hold him as the doctor looks him over … this is my JOB! This is where I need to be …
Monday
They Have been on the phone again. I think they know, they must be able to sense that I do not want to go back… but what can I do instead… I cannot be the only Mum who feels like this… I wonder if I could start something for other Mums… Aghhh no… think play group!
Tuesday
Oh Bliss Thank God For Grandmothers … right night out with the girls and have a laugh, bit of an inbetweeny… but it is a posh awards do that I have been invited back to… #misstheglitz
Wednesday
Oh No Bloody Playgroup again … Good to talk to ‘A’ last night… she felt exactly the same and would love to quit, but just cannot afford it… how do you get the balance right… I wonder If I could start some thing from home? ( Not Bloody Avon again… all those damned bags of powder and paint!) It has to pay, and it has to be something I can run around the boys.
Though after todays embarrassment I would happily send them back where they came from #widdle&puke
Thursday
This may just work. Found some web sites with business ideas on… all seems very bloke-ish…too much about silly cars… How do you get a buggy in a 911? There has to be some thing for Mums out there… if there isn’t could I start something?
Friday
Not very Inspired today… I wish I had a friend some where I could go and someone would just kick my arse!
And if Jacob does that thing with the lego again I will JUST GO BACK TO WORK!
Saturday
Ugggh
Monday
S**t I lost It today told the guy from the Personnel Office to do one … H going Bald! how we going to live we need a car… FFS grow up and be the man of the house
Tuesday
Blimey cold hard reality creeps in on the dawn … could not sleep… Not from worry … But The Excitement…
I am free… I can do what I want … just got to work out how to pay for it now….
Wednesday
Playgroup again! Agggggh Actually er today I made contact with a girl there with two girls, and a boy, at big school ( I even sound like them now!) she is looking at something On the net… I agreed to look but warned her I am not selling anything be it, make-up, Tupperware, sex aids or washing powder… she just laughed!
Reuben puked over her lovely Laura Ashley buggy cover… Got to love his taste!
Thursday ( 5 months later )
Oh Diary sorry to be away for so long …
- Book doing well … out for second proof reading
- My Marketing training is well under way.
- Organisation vastly improved ( Look Bullet Points in You Dear Diary!)
- Website now live InspiredMum.co.uk … flash hu 😉
- Nigel says he is nominating me for an award! FFS I never get awards
post script
Obviously this is a very short excerpt from my diary over a 12 month period in the run up to the end, and finishing of, my maternity leave. I was in an awful place of being torn between the need for cash, fulfillment and motherhood…
Many people have said I cannot have my cake and eat it too…
But Why Not? Why shouldn’t I …
I worked out that if I was feeling frustrated, and despising myself, for my lack of maternal instincts, or my inability to do the right thing by my family,
that maybe a whole host of other Mums were feeling exactly the same …
So I established Inspired Mum, as My call to action or meeting place for other Mums
and
I joined an internet marketing training academy to learn how to get my message out and how to make a living from the work we do…
Have I made it? Well I am on my way.
Are the boys better off for having me at home… I think so, but sometimes I wish I was back at work dealing with grown up children instead of these two monsters!
Was it worth it? are you kidding me… of course it was … speak soon
Take Care
Anna
Anna Davidson Thawe, is first and foremost a Mum to Jacob and Reuben. She is a published author, and a very successful Founding Member Of The DIgital EXperts Academy. Find her at BlueCollarMillionaires.com.
Parenting viewpoints from parents in the trenches, because parenting doesn’t come with a manual. In addition to