Human beings are born completely dependent on their parents. Unlike many other mammals, much of our brain development takes place outside the womb. A newly born foal can stand and walk within hours. A human baby takes years.
This dependence on parents or caregivers means that it is normal for a child to feel anxious when separated from the person or people responsible for his or her survival. This type of anxiety usually fades as the child grows, matures and becomes more self-sufficient. Every child is somewhat different and while there is no hard and fast rule, it’s generally agreed that if separation anxiety continues much beyond the age of five, then it’s very possible that your child may suffer from Separation Anxiety Disorder.
Separation Anxiety Disorder can adversely affect your child’s activities. It can lower school attendance and interfere with study. It can also contribute to depression, apathy, and cause your child to be withdrawn and apprehensive.
Separation Anxiety Disorder can also cause lack of sleep, and such physical problems as dizziness, stomach aches and racing heartbeat. It can even lead to panic attacks.
Clinging, crying and tantrums characterize separation anxiety in younger children when either experiencing or anticipating separation.
Older children with Separation Anxiety Disorder may exhibit an unwillingness to visit friends that they know well, to go out by themselves or to attend school or a social function without a parent present. However, this disorder is far more common in young children than in older children. It must be remembered that the foundation of Separation Anxiety Disorder is the attempt to stop something bad from happening. The young person is frightened that the absence of a person who is a stable point in life will result in something bad happening. This something bad could be the death of the loved one, something unacceptable happening to the child that the loved one isn’t there to prevent or simply that the loved one will never comes back. This is why older children mostly exhibit separation anxiety after a traumatic event, such as a divorce or the death of a parent.
There are a number of ways to assist your child to handle separation anxiety. It is important to talk to your child about her feelings and to show understanding and empathy. They need to know that their feelings are normal and that a parent knows how to help them. Then you can teach them some relaxation techniques to be used when they feel anxious. Together with the child you can create a plan of conquering their fears in a gradual manner. Making a child an active participant in this process is very important.. Remember that you should reward your child when he or she faces a fear. And you should never isolate them further from you by simply telling them to “grow up” and then turning and walking away. It only makes them feel more alone and fearful of abandonment.
Parenting viewpoints from parents in the trenches, because parenting doesn’t come with a manual. In addition to
I have heard of separation anxiety before but never realized it could develop to such an extent. Compassion seems to be lost in modern parenting sometimes. We are so busy trying to enforce rules and behaviour, that I often wonder if we are overlooking a child’s emotional needs. It’s so good to hear an expert encourage parents to avoid the tough love approach and telling them to grow up. I honestly believe that if a child needs attention, give them attention and not discipline. We have a saying in my house when kids start to whine or cry over something minor. When they come to me, I say “do you need some loving?” which is usually a hug, a kiss and rub on the back. Nowadays, sometimes they say it themselves “I need some loving” when they want some comfort. Kids need to know their problems will be attended to, no matter how small they seem to us as parents.
RE: “I say “do you need some loving?” which is usually a hug, a kiss and rub on the back.”
Beverly, you are a wonderful parent! You wouldn’t believe how many parents I have to teach to do exactly this, many forget that their children require different attitude than their coworkers. Parents should not be afraid to give “extra love” to children, this will avoid many mental health issues when they grow up.
My nephew was diagnosed with separation anxiety when he was about 8. What was originally thought of as extreme shyness from the time he started school, developed to the point where he would sob and appear grief stricken away from his mother. It took a very long time to reach a proper diagnosis, I guess because everyone assumes it’s either just a phase, the child will grow out of it, or they just want attention. My sister was divorced when my nephew was three, so a lot of talk went around about whether that was part of the problem, or if he was having issues with his visits to his father. Again, it took a few years to get a proper diagnosis, but once a professional got involved, he was on the road to recovery. He is now 14 and doing much better, thanks to counselling. Not only is he doing better, but the family dynamic has also improved, since both my sister and her ex-husband had to step up and learn how to provide an appropriate and secure environment for their son, which eventually put an end to the pettiness and bickering they had succumbed to. (At one time they were all in therapy discussions together as a family). The lesson is that children’s fears and worries need to be taken a little more seriously if they last more than a short time. Seek help from a paediatrician, or children’s therapist to get the right help for the problem. And please stop taking advice from google.
Good points, Regina. Your sister and her husband were absolutly right to go through family therapy, this will pay off big time in the future. As for taking advice from Google… well sometimes you can find a lot of valuable information there, you just need to be able to separate real things from junk.
I think all kids go through a phase where they get clingy and don’t want to leave mom or dad’s side. Especially when parents are going out for the evening. I think the best thing a parent can do is nip it in the bud and make their child behave appropriately. They won’t develop a sense of independence if they are constantly coddled, and most kids who are treated this way end up spoiled and throwing tantrums whenever a babysitter arrives at the door. Parents are not required to be slaves to their children. Kids need to learn that mom and dad can’t be at their side 24/7, and throwing tantrums, crying and carrying on with dramatics is the child’s attempt to manipulate and control. My advice for parents – say good bye and walk away the first time. If it happens again, time out or take something like a favourite toy away. It’s the only way kids will learn respect and proper bahaviour.
I think all kids go through a phase where they get clingy and don’t want to leave mom or dad’s side. Especially when parents are going out for the evening. I think the best thing a parent can do is nip it in the bud and make their child behave appropriately. They won’t develop a sense of independence if they are constantly coddled, and most kids who are treated this way end up spoiled and throwing tantrums whenever a babysitter arrives at the door. Parents are not required to be slaves to their children. Kids need to learn that mom and dad can’t be at their side 24/7, and throwing tantrums, crying and carrying on with dramatics is the child’s attempt to manipulate and control. My advice for parents – say good bye and walk away the first time. If it happens again, time out or take something like a favourite toy away. It’s the only way kids will learn respect and proper behaviour.
Chris,
Re: “It’s the only way kids will learn respect and proper behaviour.” You advice can work with some children but it is a recipe for disaster with most. You have to be very gentle and show a lot of love to your kids, this will build their self confidence and they will not be so “clingy” and anxious when you aren’t around.
How does a parent know if it’s separation anxiety or just shyness? Kids, especially younger ones, don’t always know how to tell their parents what the problem is. And at what point should it be considered a problem? A four year old starting school might stand in the doorway and cry, not wanting to join the class. What should a parent do? Stay with them? Force them to go inside? Take them home? There seems to be a diagnosis for every possible behaviour, so how does a parent know if it’s just part of normal development or a cause for concern?
You should be able to recognize separation anxiety as it often manifests by physical complaints such as: stomach aches, dizziness, racing heart, shallow breathing and other common physical complaints associated with anxiety. Teens are also likely to complain of headaches, heart palpitations, shortness of breath, or having a panic attack. The timing of these physical complaints is a good clue to identify separation anxiety. You may hear these complaints on the morning of a school day, but not on the weekend.
As a parent you should be gradually teaching kids to rely on themselves – gradually is a keyword here. The should be confident that mom and dad are ALWAYS accessible and LOVE them. Don’t ever make them believe that your love is conditional on their behaviour, you cannot “over love” your children.
How does a parent know if it’s separation anxiety or just shyness? Kids, especially younger ones, don’t always know how to tell their parents what the problem is. And at what point should it be considered a problem? A four year old starting school might stand in the doorway and cry, not wanting to join the class. What should a parent do? Stay with them? Force them to go inside? Take them home? There seems to be a diagnosis for every possible behaviour, so how does a parent know if its just part of normal development or a cause for concern?
Hi Ray,
Divorce is very hard on kids, especially if they have tendency for separation anxiety. I would strongly advise to talk to a child psychologist or therapist in your area, they should come up with a set of recommendations on how to ease the transitions based on particular circumstances of your family.
I realize many kids of divorce may suffer from separation anxiety, but there are still times when kids are trying to play one parent against the other. It might be for attention or to take advantage of the situation, but regardless of the reasons, it happens. Women especially tend to fall for this and end up dragging ex husbands into court with a series of bad daddy issues. Kids who don’t get what they want at their father’s home will likely balk and resist visits, making the mother believe their is a bigger issue. I have friends who have been through this, and it’s extremely difficult for fathers to stand up for themselves. Is there anything divorced dads can do to enforce an easy transition for visitations, and to prevent separation anxiety and/or rebellious behaviour?
Divorce is very hard on kids, especially if they have tendency for separation anxiety. I would strongly advise to talk to a child psychologist or therapist in your area, they should come up with a set of recommendations on how to ease the transitions based on particular circumstances of your family.