Psst….over here. I want to tell you something……
I see you.
I see you standing there by yourself in a room full of people yet you seem so far away but I see you….
You have people in your life that love you with full hearts but you feel empty.
You have great work colleagues and friends but nothing seems meaningful or passionate.
You have a family that is always on the go, building their own lives, coming and going and yet you feel invisible, like an observer, wishing it could be you who is so filled with plans and to-do’s and is alive with life.
You want meaningful, passionate, soul-rocking love in your life, so much so that when someone pays attention to you, you display desperate behavior. So desperate that you can’t let go even though you know you should.
You keep yourself so busy and involved in necessary but overall meaningless “things” that there is no time to get to know who you are or what you like or where you fit in.
Yea. I see you.
You are me. I am you. People like us are innumerable. We are the lonely people. We are the people who feel like we have no self-worth.
How did we get to be so lonely and feel so worthless? Kind of an oxymoron, to be so many that we can’t put a number to it and yet all of us are feeling so alone. Something to ponder:
Name 3 things you like about yourself at this moment. Can you do it?
Do you judge other people as harshly as you judge yourself?
If you are feeling bored with your life or any part of it what about you do you consider boring?
If you are looking for companionship, friendship, relationship what kind of companion, friend or partner are you to yourself?
Loneliness gives us an opportunity to take a look at ourselves and see what we can see. Where do we need to improve our own inner works so that what we give out to the world feels welcoming and worthy?
I discovered that through the soul connections I have made lately my own soul wasn’t as filled up as I would have liked it to be. I was still feeling lonely and alone. I heard the desperate voice speaking to these other souls and I was embarrassed and full of shame. I hated that voice and I hated that person and I vowed then and there to get the hell out of my own way and never feel like this again.
I just kept asking myself why. Where did this all come from? How did it get so bad and become so deep and how do I even begin to feel better, stronger, more courageous and more worthy so that the loneliness would dissipate?
Self-worth was the word that kept popping into my head. I read an article recently about ways toward an uncomplicated life and the first step was to recognize that I can’t receive self-love, self-worth or self-respect from anyone but me.
“What you are believing in this moment creates your suffering or your happiness.” –Byron Katie
I don’t want to believe that I have no worth. I don’t want to believe that I have no value. I don’t want to believe that my loneliness is all my own doing.
When I stop, really stop, and think about the times when I felt so right and so worthy it was when I felt good from deep inside. The reflection back to me from other people was positive and powerful. People like passion, they like people who are happy from the inside out. Think about the people you are attracted to. What is it about them that make you feel so good about you? Why do you want so badly to stand in their light? I can tell you… They know something about themselves that you have not yet discovered about yourself. They are open to sharing their light and talk about their journey. They are at a place of inner peace.
When I make a soul connection, as rare as it is, I know that this connection is for the purpose of teaching me something about me among other reasons of course. In this case it just might have been about my own self-worth; if not, then no harm done. The issue is still relevant and it can’t be bad to get clarity on what showed up. Life reveals itself in layers so I’m exploring this layer. It is a big one because it will get me to the next layer and I will be a better person for having taken this particular journey.
So, how do I begin to love myself, find self-worth, and live the lessons I’ve learned?
I made 2 lists. One side of the paper listed the things that I liked about myself and the other side of the paper listed the things that I want to like about myself. It was kind of like the way I keep my gratitude journal. One side lists all of the things I am grateful for in each day and the other side lists all of the things I am grateful for that haven’t happened yet. It is a constant festival of hope. So it looked something like this:
What I like about ME:
My eagerness to learn
My appreciation of beauty and excellence
What I want to like about ME:
Growing my heart deeper and wider
Using my creativity for great works of spirit
How to use new knowledge for great work
All of the physical blessings I have been given
Growing that appreciation more deeply in all things
Opening up more to humor and laughter
This is just a sample of what my list looks like. I have to admit that it was very hard to write about all the things I liked about myself. It forced me to strip myself bare, figuratively, and really get to an honest place within my soul while not looking over my shoulder and wondering who was going to mock me or laugh at me or tisk at me for being so raw.
In the end the result will only be that I am more authentically “me”. I hope I will start to become the person that can share my light. Wouldn’t that be the ultimate moment? To have someone react to me/you with so much respect and awe because they recognize a light within me/you that they need to be a part of. What a peaceful place that would be.
Here are 9 ways in which you can help yourself get out of loneliness, find self-worth and start to be the person you want to be:
Make your list. This step is very important because you first have to understand you before you can know what road to travel, what souvenirs to keep and what to let go of.
Accept and champion your flaws. NO ONE IS PERFECT. We were not supposed to be perfect. We need each other because of our imperfections. Where we are strong others are weak and vise-versa. We need what we each know.
“This thing about you that you think is your flaw—it is the reason I’m falling in love with you.” –Colleen Hoover, Slammed
Stop comparing yourself to other people. This is your quest, your journey, no one else’s. Honor your path toward enlightenment and personal growth. Figure out what you admire about someone and then figure out how you can admire your own qualities and how you can add more to who you want to be. We are each a work in progress. We never stop growing and becoming, never, until the body we occupy on this plane ceases to exist.
“Comparison is the death of joy.” – Mark Twain
Be the love you want to receive. Give with all your heart in the way that you would want someone to give to you. It might feel weird at first especially if you are holding on to hurt love but remember that what you give will come back to you. You first have to put it out there so that it knows where to come home to.
“Life is not a fist. Life is an open hand waiting for some other hand to enter it.” –Elie Wiesel
Stop Judging. Again, no one is perfect. Everyone has issues they are dealing with. Everyone deserves a kind heart reaching out, a warm hug no matter what, a listening ear without opinions. Smiles hide pain and heartache. Don’t be fooled by the widest of smiles. Yes, there may be some genuineness to those smiles but there is most definitely pain too.
“You can’t judge people and touch their souls at the same time.” –Tama Kieves
Get Grateful. Start noticing Every. Little. Thing. Each. Day. You will be amazed at all there is to be grateful for. The more gratitude you build inside of your heart the less there will be to feel bad about or to feel lonely about or to feel worthless about.
“Gratitude turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, and confusion into clarity….it makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.” –Melody Beattie
SPEAK. Whether with words or actions, speak your language. You will be lifted in spirit and heart the more you speak kind words. Smile at everyone you see, hug as often as you can, choose a happy word for the day and see how many times you can use it in conversation, tell a joke, or buy someone a cup of coffee. How great will you feel at the end of the day because you existed this day for the betterment of someone else?
“There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and will be lost.” –Martha Graham
Let go of the past as much as possible. Start small. You can’t change what happened but you can get clear about forgiveness and what that means for you and how you want to use it. Think about those past hurts and figure out how those hurts may have helped make you the fantastic person you are today and/or are becoming. “If it weren’t for that hurt I wouldn’t be here in this frame of mind to want to be a better person.”
“Make a pact with yourself today to not be defined by your past. Sometimes the greatest thing to come out of all your hard work isn’t what you get for it, but what you become for it. Shake things up today! Be You, Be Free, Share.” –Steve Maraboli
Allow for vulnerability and self-appreciation and kindness. Say no if you want to say no. Don’t be friends with people you know are not good for you. Allow yourself to feel what you are feeling when you are feeling it so that you can move through it and learn from it. Be kind, faithful and let your true essence shine on.
“The intimacy that arises in listening and speaking truth is only possible if we can open to the vulnerability of our own hearts. Breathing in, contacting the life that is right here, is our first step. Once we have held ourselves with kindness, we can touch others in a vital and healing way.” –Tara Brach
Forgive yourself when the process of losing loneliness and finding self-worth takes longer than you want it to. Having faith in yourself, knowing that you are doing all you can with what you have is like a weight lifted off of your shoulders. It took time to get to the place you are in now and it will take time to get to the place you want to be. Enjoy the journey, learn as much as you can and always pay it forward.
Call to Action
Start right this minute. Don’t wait for tomorrow unless the cleansing sunrise inspires you that deeply. Choose one item of the 9 listed above and get started. Keep a journal of your progress. Start by making your list of likes about you and then write about the challenges you faced each day and how you overcame the loneliness and steered your expanding self toward self-worth. Notice what happens inside of you when the crack in your foundation lets happiness and inclusion through it. Share with me if you feel so moved. I’d love to hear your story.
Lisa has been featured in Parent Magazine and in the book Stay-At-Home Mom’s Guide to Making Money by Liz Folger. Please visit her website at www.journeyoncoaching.com